Many married couples end up having sexless relationships due to various reasons. Not having sex can have detrimental effects on both partners’ physical and mental health.
If you are not getting laid in a committed relationship, then you are most likely experiencing a sexual rut. It’s not acceptable to neglect sex within a relationship regardless of how long you’ve been together.
A sexless relationship is a clear indication that a relationship is already dead. It’s important to talk to your partner about this issue and make necessary changes to improve the quality of your life.
What is a sexless relationship?
A sexless relationship is an arrangement in which the partners refrain from engaging in sexual activities. Although it’s easy to define, it can get complicated due to how different people are.
There are two types of sexless relationships. The first is a voluntarily-endorsed type wherein the partners refrain from sex and are both happy with each other.
Asexuals prefer a romance that’s centered around compatibility and romantic attraction.
A sexless relationship may start out as a pleasurable experience, with both partners actively enjoying having sex with one another. However, eventually, one of them stopped being sexually active with the other individual.
It could be unintentional or voluntary. Sexless relationships can start out as an enjoyable relationship until one partner stops being sexually active.
Unfortunately, with the second type of sexless relationship, one or both of partners might start feeling frustrated and dissatisfied.
What causes a sexless relationship
Some people think that having sex in a romantic relationship is just natural. However, this is not always the case for every couple.
1. Health issues
People’s sexual lives can be affected by various health issues. These include mental health problems like depression, as well as physical ailments like a disability.
2. Mismatched libidos
People may have extremely high sexual drives, while others may have zero. If one partner has a high sexual drive and the other has a low libido, then their sexual life might not be compatible.
3. Childbirth
Getting pregnant and childbirth can be very challenging for women. After around nine months, they have a lot of work to do to recover. She also has a screaming baby who needs to be taken care of around the clock.
4. Stress
People often have stressful lives. Some of these include having a job, raising children, dealing with financial issues, and dealing with family problems.
Having a stressful life can take a person’s focus away from their sexual drive. This is why having a good sexual life becomes more of an indulgence than a necessity.
5. Communication issues
Many communication problems are involved in relationships, and there are no perfect relationships.
Being unable to resolve one’s issues can affect how much they like one another. This can also affect their physical attraction.
6. Conflicts and arguments
Although conflicts are inevitable in relationships, they should be handled properly to avoid damaging the partnership. Being abusive to your significant other will not make them feel hot for you.
7. Negative feelings
Some people have bad habits and idiosyncrasies, and they may not be tolerable at times. If one or both partners have negative feelings about the other, this could prevent them from wanting to have sex.
8. Punitive or passive-aggressive behaviors
The presence of controlling behaviors within a relationship is not ideal. If one party feels that they have to resort to passive-aggressive methods to get their way or punish the other, this can be toxic. It can also affect one’s sexual desire.
9. Infidelity
Cheating on someone does not typically make them want to have sex with that individual. Instead, they will likely feel disgusted and resentful.
The sexual and emotional connection between one partner and the other is often destroyed by infidelity.
10. Power struggles
Power dynamics are always present in relationships. Although some couples may be considered equals, there may also be two people who struggle to gain power over one another.
Since power struggles aren’t typically sexy, it’s no surprise that they can affect a couple’s sexual lives.
Erectile Dysfunction and a sexless relationship
Erectile dysfunction can have a negative impact on a person’s sexual life. There are various reasons why a man may develop this condition.
1. Low sex drive
A man’s sexual drive and ability to maintain an erection are affected by his level of testosterone. If he has low levels of this hormone, this can affect his ability to perform. If a man has a low sex drive, it’s not likely that he will have sex often.
2. Medication side effects
Various medications can also cause an individual to develop this condition. For instance, certain antidepressants and blood pressure medications can prevent a man from achieving an erection.
3. Mental health issues
People suffering from anxiety or depression may not desire to have sex. Their energy levels and mood will be low, which can affect their ability to maintain an erection.
4. History of abuse
Various forms of abuse can befall a person, such as sexual abuse and drug abuse. Abuse as a child can affect a man’s ability to have an erection. Likewise, being involved in illegal drug usage or drinking heavily can also have an adverse effect on this.
5. Life issues
Many people face stressful and complicated lives. Situations such as financial insecurity, job loss, and stress can impact a man’s sexual performance. If a lot of things are going on in a man’s life, his sexual performance may be affected.
Why sex is important in a relationship
Although each relationship is different, having sex is still important for most people. There are various reasons why it’s important for people to have sex.
1. Sex brings you closer
Having sex can provide you with a unique bond that’s unlike anything else. Having sex can also provide you with a fulfilling and satisfying relationship. Although you can spend a lot of time watching movies and cuddling with a partner, it will never compare to how beneficial it is.
2. It makes you empathetic toward the other person
It can be hard not to feel the other person’s emotions during intimate moments. Having sex can increase your empathy for your partner.
3. It reduces stress and tension
The presence of tension and stress in a relationship can lead to its downfall. Being stressed can lead to an outburst that could harm the other person’s feelings, and it can also get bottled up until they decide they want to leave.
4. It can increase your self-esteem
Being in a relationship with high self-esteem can help make it last. It prevents jealousy and other negative feelings in the relationship.
Having sex with your partner can make you feel loved and appreciated. It can also make you believe that the other person genuinely cares about you.
5. It creates affection
A relationship can last for a long time without affection. However, if the other person doesn’t show affection, it’s likely that the relationship will quickly fizzle out. Having sex can make you feel more affectionate toward the other person.
6. But, know that sex isn’t love
Experiencing sex with a partner does not make you fall in love with them. You can maintain a completely romantic relationship with the other person and have no desire to engage in sexual conduct.
If you and your partner both believe that sex isn’t something that you want to do, then you can still maintain a romantic relationship. Sometimes, a relationship can work if both partners believe that sex is not an essential part of the relationship.
7. Not having sex can make you question their feelings
You may not be able to remember how much the other person loves you if you don’t have sex with them. There is nothing reinforcing their feelings about you even if they find you sexy or attractive.
It can be easy to forget how the other person feels when you don’t have sex, especially if they’re not good at expressing their feelings.
8. Sex makes you feel like a unit
When it comes to making a relationship last, one of the most important factors that you have to consider is acting as if you are a whole package.
Effects of a sexless relationship in a man
A sexless relationship can have negative effects on both the wife and the husband. Let’s take a look at the husband’s perspective first.
1. Feeling like a failure
A man living in a relationship without sex can feel inadequate. It can make him feel like he’s failed.
Most men are very prideful about their sexual capabilities and how pleasing they are to their wives. If they can’t satisfy their wives or think that they don’t want them, they will feel like failures.
2. Damaged self-esteem
One of the negative effects of being in a relationship without sex is that it can decrease a man’s self-esteem. Although he may not be able to express his feelings well, he can still think that he’s not good enough or that he’s ugly.
3. Anger and resentment
He may start feeling resentful and angry because his wife refuses to have sex with him. This situation could lead to arguments and conflict.
He might start thinking about divorce or even resorting to cheating. This will only make the sexless situation worse.
4. Humiliation
He may start feeling embarrassed or disgusted if he knows that his wife is having sex with other people. Although she may not think that it’s a big deal, he will feel ridiculed and embarrassed.
5. Irritability
Having sex can increase people’s hormones and make them feel happy and better. Unfortunately, if a man does not have sex often, he might feel more irritable. Some people may experience depression and feelings of disconnection in their relationships.
Effects of a sexless relationship in a woman
A wife may experience the same emotional issues as a husband when they’re not having sex.
1. Feeling not good enough
Women believe that all men have high sex drives. If a woman’s husband refuses to have sex with her, she believes that he still desires sex with another woman. This means that she is not good enough for him.
2. Loneliness
The signs of a sexless relationship usually start when the spouses don’t communicate. This type of relationship can progress from being physically distanced to being emotionally distanced.
Since many women find sex and love very important, experiencing feelings of loneliness can be a major issue for a wife.
3. Not worthy of sex
Most women have self-esteem issues. They believe that they are too lazy, fat, or don’t have the personality or physical characteristics that their husband would find attractive.
Such self-esteem issues can lead to a spiral of self-doubt and inadequacy, diminishing the pleasure that she has in sex.
4. Guilt
If a woman has a low sex drive, she might feel guilty about not being able to satisfy her husband’s sexual needs. However, regardless of the reason for her lack of libido, she still may feel guilty.
5. Ashamed of her body and unattractive
Many women feel embarrassed about their bodies. The unrealistic images that the media places on people’s heads can make most women feel inadequate.
She may start feeling ashamed of her appearance, especially if she thinks that her body has changed in a negative way.
Can a sexless relationship survive?
It can be hard for couples to live without sex. But, this doesn’t mean that the union is doomed. There are still certain circumstances that can allow a relationship to survive.
If both partners are not bothered that they don’t have sex, it doesn’t usually cause problems. Some people do not prioritize sex.
If both partners have low sex drives but are still attached emotionally, then the relationship can be considered happy.
If both partners are not satisfied with each other’s sexual behavior, then a relationship might be considered dysfunctional.
If one or both of partners in a relationship suffers from a health issue affecting their performance or sex drive, then the union can still survive. In that situation, the couple does not take it personally because they are not having sex for a reason.
How to be happy in a sexless relationship
If you’re not happy with the relationship being sexless, but you’re still in love with your partner, how can you be happy? There are still ways to be happy in this situation.
1. Evaluate your priorities
Having sex may seem like a pleasurable experience, but it can take up a small portion of your day compared to other activities. This is why it’s important to evaluate your perspective and mindset.
2. Work on communication and emotional intimacy
Even though you’re not having sex with your significant other, you can still talk about building an emotional intimacy with your partner. Try engaging in deep conversations and holding hands.
3. Focus on other joys in life
In addition to sex, there are other pleasures in life that you can enjoy. Besides sex, there are other things that you can enjoy in life. Being in a sexless relationship can make you feel sad. Instead, try to focus on other aspects of life that you are passionate about.
How to turn your sexless relationship around
These are some of the possible options that you can try out if you are not sure where to start. Keep in mind that there are many ideas out there, but when it comes to doing something drastic, there is no harm in doing so.
1. Speak to your partner
It may be difficult to talk about having more sex, but you must build up your courage to do so. Don’t treat it as a taboo subject. You can start by saying, “There’s something that we need to talk about.”
Discussing the topic will be easier once you have overcome the initial hurdle. Hopefully, you will also be able to come up with actions.
2. Go for therapy
If you’re not able to make progress with your partner regarding their sexual issues, then it’s time to seek professional help. Having a professional therapist can help you address these issues.
A professional therapist can help you identify the issues that you are experiencing and provide a safe and private space to talk about them.
3. Resolve to look great
Getting in shape and feeling great are two of the most important factors that can affect how active your sex life is. If you are not feeling sexy, then your libido will drop significantly.
If you’re embarrassed about being too thin and not fit for sex, then you can get rid of it by doing something about it.
4. Have date nights
One of the best ways to try and bring sex back into your relationship is to have dates. It’s believed that the lack of intimacy caused the sex to fizzle out.
You and your partner should try to spend time together as much as possible. This includes going out for dinner, watching a movie, or indulging in a quick treat.
Try to hold your partner’s hand and talk about the day. Then, take a look at the connection you once had with them.
5. Give each other permission to fantasize
If the initial suggestions have failed, then try to indulge in sexual fantasies about other people in bed. Experts such as psychologists and couples believe that this would result in more harm than pleasure, and it is regarded as cheating.
Ultimately, if both partners in your relationship agree and believe that it can help reinvigorate sex life, then try it.
6. Invite a third party in
The main reason why you and your partner are not having sex is that both of you are bored of the way things are. Having a third party in bed may be just what you need to reinvigorate sex life. This idea may seem unconventional, but more people are trying it.
7. Communicate with each other
Being in a sexless relationship can be easy to grow apart from one another. It can also be hard to talk to one another about issues that you are experiencing.
Even though it may be hard to talk about your issues, it’s still important to try and communicate with your partner about them.
You should tell them that it’s affecting your quality of life and that it makes you look bad. They must hear your perspective if you’re committed to fixing it.
8. Let yourself be vulnerable
People with low sex drives or erectile dysfunction may not want to talk about their issues due to how sensitive they are. The painful process of opening up can be very challenging, but it’s important to be vulnerable.
If you’re the one who has a higher sex drive, then it’s also important to be vulnerable. In order to communicate with your partner about how their lack of interest is affecting you emotionally, you should let them know of your issues.
One of the most important factors that you and your partner can consider when it comes to improving a sexless relationship are having empathy for each other.
9. Open relationship
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, then you have the opportunity to change your relationship into an open relationship. This type of union allows both partners in the relationship to consent to having intercourse with other individuals.
One of the most important factors that you and your partner can consider when it comes to improving a sexless relationship are having empathy for each other. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, then you can make your own rules about how you can restrict your jealousy. For instance, you can’t have sex with friends, and you can’t bring a sexual partner home.
When to walk away from a sexless relationship
Should you still fight for a relationship or relationship when your partner refuses to have sex?
Although it’s not a magic answer, there are certain factors that you should consider before walking away from a sexless relationship.
1. Your partner is not willing to work on the issues
If you’re the only one who wants sex, then you’re probably experiencing a problem with your partner’s lack of interest. If they won’t work on their issues, then you’re going to end up fighting a losing battle.
2. You have tried, but your efforts are futile
Trying to fix the issue and talking about it would not work, as you have already tried numerous times and have been rejected. The future will not be much better.
3. Sex issues are the tip of the iceberg
Aside from the lack of sex, a couple might also be experiencing other issues that affect their relationship. If you’re not able to resolve these issues, then it might be time to call it quits.
4. You both have different sexual preferences and drives
Although a difference in sexual preferences is not always easy to overcome, having different sexual styles and preferences can be a negative thing. For instance, if both of you prefer vanilla and kinky sex, then having both of them is not going to be effective.
5. Infidelity is involved
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and being unfaithful can erode that. The partnership is in danger of failing if one or both of partners in it is unfaithful. This means that the relationship is unlikely to survive.
6. Partner is withholding sex to exercise control
There are many types of controlling individuals around the world. One of these is the person who withholds sex from their partner. This is considered toxic, regardless of whether it’s the man or the woman doing it.
7. There’s a lack of love
You may believe that the love of your life will last forever, even in instances where it does not. A lack of love can build up over time, and it can lead to people falling out of love or feeling ambivalent. If there’s no more love left in the relationship, then it’s not going to work.
8. You want sex, but not with your partner
Some individuals may let themselves go after being in a committed relationship or marriage for some time. Maybe, after a while, someone has become less attractive. You may still want sex, but you’re not attracted to your partner or spouse anymore.
9. Therapy isn’t working
Maybe you have been trying to address the issue of a sexless relationship and other related issues through therapy. If only one of you is interested in doing so, then chances are that you will never find a way to have sex.
Although it’s up to the couple whether or not sexless relationships can last, having sex can still be beneficial to a relationship.