Clever Comebacks For Dealing With Rude People

Have you ever been annoyed by yourself when you think of an amusingly good comeback after someone said something that you didn’t think of earlier? Scroll down to see a list of some of the funniest, most clever, and most memorable comebacks ever made.

Instead of cursing yourself after thinking of a clever remark, try to prepare a few funny comebacks just in case.

These lines will help everyone ooh and ah your witty comments when someone makes fun of you.

You can be the wise-ass who always comes back for everything. Just save this page or commit to remembering some of our favorite insult jokes.

Here are some of the most perfect comebacks that anyone can dream of.

[Read: What is Flirty Banter]

Witty comebacks that show off the smarty pants in you

These comebacks are ideal for those times when you don’t want to insult someone but also want to own the room.

• Your hair looks great! How do you get it to curl out of your nostrils like that?
• Is your family tree a cactus? No? That’s funny, because everyone on it is a prick.
• Why is it OK for you to be an idiot, but not OK for me to point it out?
• I’d sue my parents if I had a face like yours.
• If you’re going to be two-faced, you could at least make one of them pretty.
• Your lips are moving, but all I hear is “blah, blah, blah.”
• If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
• Scientists say the universe is made up of electrons, protons, and neutrons
• They used to call them “jumpolines,” until your mom jumped on one.
• You’re free to go.
• You’re so fat, you could sell shade.
• Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you need to act like one.
• I’d love to give you a nasty look, but it appears you already have one.
• You’ll never be even half the man your mother is.
• You’ll go far someday.
• The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s butt and wait.
• I’d love to see things from your perspective, but it’s almost impossible to get my head up your ass that far.
• I’ve seen your kind before… but last time, I had to pay admission.
• It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a baseball bat.

[Read: How to Be Witty And Charming]

Nasty comebacks that are really savage

A lot of these comebacks don’t require much wit to be effective. Instead, they will leave your target feeling sorry for themselves.

• Thinking of you not existing makes me want to masturbate.
• I’ll bet your voice causes seizures.
• You have an old soul.
• You sure have a bodacious rack—for a guy.
• Stand still, so I can hit you with my truck.
• How much do you charge to deliver an STD?
• Is that a scar on your face? My bad, it’s just your mouth.
• You’re why the terrorists hate us.
• I’d punch you in the face, but the thought of touching your face disgusts me.
• You’re a ground-hugger.
• Some people may have thyroid problems, but I can tell you’re fat because you’re lazy.
• Instead of listening to your opinion, how about I put on some cartoons for you, and get you a juice box?
• Hey, where’d you get that nose? It’s a “before” picture in one of those plastic surgery magazines, isn’t it?
• I’m reminded of how unfair life is every time I see you.
• I always root for the little guy.
• Your sister likes it dirty.
• OK, who ordered the mouth-breather?
• I don’t know how you do it, but after a shower, you look even greasier.
• I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach.
• I hated you the moment I met you, and I still hate you.

Sarcastic comebacks for that perfect insult!

A lot of sarcasm comebacks are used when you’re annoyed by someone’s behavior. They can be used to insult them without being noticed, and they can make them feel like they’re being dumb.

• I’d love to insult you, but you probably wouldn’t understand.
• Rotting flesh is less offensive than you.
• Impressive! I’ve never seen such a small mind inside such a large head before.
• Now, I understand why some animals eat their young.
• I used to think you were a pain in the neck.
• I know you’re nobody’s fool, but maybe you’ll be adopted someday.
• I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.
• If you want me to accept you as you are, I’m going to have to lie to myself about liking you.
• No, keep talking.
• Hey, I can see straight to the back of your head when I look into your eyes!
• I don’t know whether to laugh at you or pity you.
• Talk is cheap—but then again, so are you.
• Are you always this dumb, or are you making a special effort today?
• You get bullied a lot, don’t you?
• This is the perfect time for you to become a missing person.
• I don’t think you’re an idiot… but what’s my opinion compared to countless others?
• Looks like I overestimated the number of brain cells you have.
• If you were twice as smart as you are now, you’d be stupid.
• The person who told you to be yourself gave you some bad advice.
• You’re not as bad as everyone says.

Funny comebacks that’ll leave everyone in splits

Although these responses do not need wit, they still require a funny bone to be effective.

• How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
• Oh, a thought crossed your mind? It must have been a long, lonely journey.
• It’s a shame you can’t Photoshop your personality.
• I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.
• Nice outfit.
• I’m a little busy right now, but I’d love the chance to ignore you some other time.
• Keep talking.
• Hide! The garbage truck is coming!
• Here’s an idea.
• Earth is crowded.
• It’s good to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.
• There’s only one problem with your face: I can see it.
• You’re like Monday: no one likes you.
• Acting like a prick doesn’t make yours grow bigger.
• Don’t let your mind wander.
• You should really come with a warning label.
• I’d smack you, but that would be animal abuse.
• How impressive! You can put your foot in your mouth and your head up your ass at the same time!
• So, you changed your mind? Does the new one work any better?
• Your birth certificate is an apology to your parents from the hospital.

[Read: How to Be a Funny Texter]

Clever comebacks that make you oh-so-smart

Not only does it show your disdain, but these comebacks also demonstrate your intellectual capabilities.

• You’re about as sharp as a bowling ball.
• You are living proof that manure can learn to walk and talk.
• Aww…it’s so cute when you talk about things you don’t understand.
• If I wanted to commit suicide, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ level.
• I don’t know where you got your looks, but I hope you kept the receipt.
• I see you’ve chosen this time to humiliate yourself in public.
• You look tired.
• Opposites attract, right? Then I hope you find someone who’s good looking, honest, smart, and cultured.
• Usually, people live and learn.
• You have more faces than Mount Rushmore.
• You should eat some of that makeup, so you can be pretty on the inside.
• Do you like nature, despite what it did to you?
• You grow on people—but then again, so does cancer.
• You’re dumber than snake mittens.
• If ignorance barrel prices go up, I want drilling rights to his head.
• Is it your job to spread ignorance? Because you’re highly qualified.
• You do the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Curly.
• I suggest you do a little soul searching.
• I’m jealous of people who don’t know you.
• You are about as interesting as a documentary on dirt.
• I don’t think you’re stupid.

It can be hard to think straight when you’re with your friends or in a heated argument. With that in mind, try to prepare a few good comebacks ahead of time.